Your child is fighting with another child, they want something they can’t have, they’re having a meltdown, they’re speaking rudely, you need to be somewhere and they’re not doing what you need them to do, you’re overwhelmed and tired – there are a million situations where you can end up losing it!
I’m here to let you know that it’s not your fault. You’re not a bad parent and you’re not failing, you’re losing it because in those moments you are reacting from a dysregulated nervous system.
Learning to regulate takes time, practice and support. It’s not something that can change overnight.
However, while you’re in the process of learning long-term regulation, there are a few basics steps you can take to de-escalate and stay connected in a challenging moment.
1. Pause
Pausing helps us to re-centre & ground ourselves, creating that space between our triggers and what follows. When we are triggered, the logical part of our brain is hijacked and we end up reacting emotionally. Taking that pause allows the logical part of our brain to come back online and respond to situations rather than react to situations i.e. appropriately deal with the situation vs losing it!
Grounding scripts to silently say to yourself in the moment:
- “I notice my body is tense. I’m allowed to pause.”
- “I can choose how I respond.”
- “This too shall pass.”
In addition to silent affirmations, you can take a small physical action to help ground your body:
- Place your hand on your heart or stomach
- Take 3 deep breaths
- Unclench your jaw and relax your shoulders
Sometimes it isn’t possible to take obvious actions as some listed above. In that case try something simple like bringing your awareness to the closest object by touching it – it could be as simple as something like a pen.
2. Connect with your child
The second step, connection is as important. Connection is about understanding. When we connect with children they feel heard and understood and are more likely to be open and receptive to you.
Just to clarify, connecting with your child doesn’t mean you are agreeing with their behaviour. Connection is about letting your child know that you understand their feelings and needs and yet are still there for them even when they mess up and even when their behaviour needs correcting.
Try one of these phrases which will help you to connect to your child in the moment:
- “You’re really upset that you can’t have that right now.”
- “You didn’t like it when I said no. It feels really hard.”
- “You really wanted to keep playing with your friends and didn’t want to stop. You’re feeling sad.”
Along with your words, add a small gesture if you can:
- Sit or kneel to their eye level
- Slow down and soften your tone
- Place your hand on their shoulder
3. Set a Limit
While punishments and consequences are often the default we reach for, it’s actually more beneficial to set a limit instead. A limit is a clear consistent boundary.
One of the main challenges I often see parents face is setting the limit kindly and this is where taking that pause first helps. The more you are able to regulate, the more lovingly and kindly you are able to set limits.
Another challenge parents face is how to set limits. Through the examples below, I show how to set the limit and how it is possible to set boundaries in a kind, loving yet firm manner.
How to set the limit:
- Name the limit
- Offer what is allowed or state what happens next
- Keep it short
Examples:
- “It’s not okay to hit. It’s okay to be mad. I’m going to move your brother away, I need to keep everyone safe.”
- “We’re not buying toys today. You can choose to walk or I can help you to the car.”
- “Homework needs to be done before screens. You can start now and have more time later, or start later and have less time.”
It’s useful to remember that your child may continue to have a meltdown once you’ve set the limit. However, it’s important that you maintain connection and consistently follow through with your limit for them to be a long term change.
If you’re feeling too overwhelmed to even pause, or you try this and still find yourself reacting the same way, don’t worry you’re not doing it wrong.
Regulation isn’t just about what you do in the moment, it’s something that’s built over time. You’re not failing, it’s just a sign that a deeper understanding and deeper shifts need to take place.
This 3-step re-set is not a magic fix, it’s a starting point. It’s a powerful tool, but it’s not the full solution.
While this can create momentary change, it won’t change the underlying patterns that keep you stuck in the cycle of your child’s behaviours and your reactions.
If you want long-lasting change – fewer meltdowns, less reactivity and more ease in your parenting, you need more than a momentary tool, you need a consistent approach.
That’s exactly what I guide you through in my P.A.U.S.E workshop. I’ve created a clear 5 step framework which gives you an exact method to help you move from reacting in the moment to creating long lasting change in your reactions as well as your child’s behaviours.